Awake
by Nokito-chan
Summary: Time heals all wounds - wasn't that what everyone said? Tenten knew that it was a lie; some wounds cut too deep and left scars that never stopped aching though she would learn how to shape herself around the pain. Inspired by manga chapter 614. SPOILER ALERT if you have not read chapter 614!


_**a/n: This contains SPOILERS for the Naruto Manga CHAPTER 614. If you have not read that manga chapter, do not read this!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto**_

* * *

_**Awake**_

_The rush of coldness washing over her entire body made the hair on the back of her neck rise. Strangely enough Tenten didn't feel threatened by it. Kami knew, she should have – the unsettling feeling coupled with the carnage of war that surrounded her should have been enough to scare her out of her mind. She only felt peace though; peace and affection flooding through her body, warming her in the wake of the sudden cold. It lasted seconds only and disappeared as if it had all been a figment of her imagination. After the brief instant of pure happiness came the icy flood of fear, far colder than the brush of moments before; coating her insides in a layer of frost._

_Something was very, very wrong. Instinctively Tenten understood that._

_Her loved ones were all out on the battlefield. All of them were risking their lives for reasons that were worth waging war over. The only one she could focus on was Neji, though. Which was ridiculous because if anyone would emerge from this battleground nearly unscathed it, would be Neji._

_She carefully reached for the tattered threads of her remaining chakra; reestablished her control and launched her weapons with renewed fury._

_Everyone would be fine. They had to be._

* * *

_The quick flare of rage was followed just as quickly by pure numbing disbelief._

"_No." Tenten shook her head, slowly at first and then with more force, as if the action could negate the news. "No, it's not true."_

"_Tenten …" Gai's voice was filled with equal amounts tenderness and tears._

_He reached out a hand, laid his big palm gently down on her shoulder, but Tenten wrenched herself violently out of his hold._

"_No!"_

_Then she was running. Faster than she ever had before, faster than she'd thought was possible. Death and destruction surrounded her as her mad dash led her across the day's battlefields. Underfoot was a churned mess of grass, sand and mud. The smell of blood pervaded the air. Everywhere med-nin and the uninjured were gathering fallen comrades, trying to save those they could._

_Where were you, any of you, when _he_ needed you?_

_Inwardly she raged but outwardly she remained composed. Her eyes darted around, searching for the tell-tale Hyuuga garb and dark hair that made her teammate stand out from the crowd. He was supposed to be here, in this section. Tenten resolutely fought the tears and the thoughts that threatened to bring reality crashing down on her head as she sought Neji's familiar frame through the throng around the medical tents. Finally, she saw a flash of pink and hurried towards the tent from which Sakura was just emerging. Her green eyes were dull with fatigue and red-rimmed from crying, though they still shone with unshed tears._

_Tenten refused to believe that Neji might be the reason for the tears._

_Sakura caught sight of her when Tenten was still too far away to talk, and the way her friend's cheeks paled made Tenten feel as if the world was dropping out from under her. Uncertainly, she slowed to a walk, carefully picking her way past the debris of the aftermath of battle, until she drew to a halt in front of the Hokage's apprentice._

"_Tenten …" Sakura lifted a hand, only to let it drop back to her side, moisture brimming in her eyes._

"_I'm so sorry," the pink-haired girl finally whispered, bowing her head and stepping aside so that Tenten could enter the tent._

_Instinctive understanding of the proof that was consistently being presented warred with anger and fear until Tenten felt dizzy. She had to force herself to take one step, then another, until she at last paused again at the entrance to the tent. One hand rose, hovering over the cloth keeping people out. Tenten took a deep breath before resolutely pushing it aside. _

_All of them were wrong, anyway. _

_Neji couldn't be …_

_Tenten bit her lip against the tears until she tasted blood and forced herself not to think of the moment on the battlefield earlier. She'd known the instant that cold wind rushed over her; as if disembodied hands were tracing her features, her frame … the second Gai-sensei had uttered those terrible words it had all made sense._

_Still, everything inside her rebelled against the very thought. She had to be sure. Maybe Sakura was wrong …_

_The tent she was currently in was the furthest one from the battle; empty still – the closer ones filling up with the wounded first – save for a single medical table situated at the far end. They'd covered his entire body, head to feet, with a pristine white sheet and, irrationally, Tenten wanted to scream that he wouldn't be able to breathe …_

_A gust of wind ruffled the sides of the tent and Tenten shivered, indescribable sadness welling up inside her, but she moved onward almost robotically. Carefully, gently, she pulled the sheet away from his face, until the familiar features were clearly visible and she could no longer hold on to the doubt._

_No blood marred his face, no bruises, but Tenten couldn't bear to see any more, to search for the wounds that would provide irrefutable proof. Her vision blurred with tears she couldn't hold at bay any longer, spilling over to fall into Neji's hair. She reached out with trembling fingers to brush the droplets away. Her hand lingered over the dark tresses she'd admired so often - that she'd touched so rarely. Swiftly she bent at the waist to press a fierce kiss against his unmarked forehead before she quickly drew the sheet back into place._

_Outside, the wind whipped at her clothes and carried Sakura's panicked voice after her, but Tenten was oblivious to it all as she ran even faster than before. _

_Maybe if she ran hard enough, long enough, the pain pressing down on her, threatening to cut off her air supply, wouldn't have a chance to catch up to her._

* * *

Bright rays of Konoha sunshine pushed past the barrier of net curtains to slant across the wooden floors, creeping ever closer to Tenten's bed. The alarm hadn't gone off yet, so Tenten remained as she was, curled into a small ball, watching the room come into sharper focus around her.

It had been months since Tenten had been really awake. Months since she had been really _alive_. The war had ended almost a year ago and in that time she had followed basic routine. Returned to Konoha from the battlefield, did her utmost to assist her village in rebuilding any way she could. Her days were spent in studiously avoiding anything connected with Neji or the Hyuuga. She took longer, more circuitous, routes just to bypass places that might remind her of him. His name hadn't crossed her lips in longer than she cared to remember. Sometimes it felt as if she was screaming it in an endless litany inside her mind, while she worked and worked and worked in the hopes of getting a peaceful night's sleep.

Still, the dreams came, no matter how tired she was. She only had to close her eyes and Neji was there. These days her head barely touched the pillow before she was asleep; catapulted into the past where everything was still okay. Back when she'd believed in ideals and dreams; back when her world and her heart had been whole. The realities and consequences of war had taught her better though, showed her that nothing lasted forever and nothing could be counted upon. The only constant is death, coming for each person in turn, though he reaped some before their time.

Time heals all wounds.

Wasn't that what people said?

Tenten knew they were wrong. Some wounds cut too deeply, leaving scars that ached constantly until you learned to shape yourself around the pain and live with the gaping hole inside.

Sometimes she found herself at Team Gai's old training grounds with no recollection of how she'd gotten there. She would stand, twirling a kunai between nimble fingers, waiting for him to arrive, only to realize that he wouldn't be coming. Those days were the hardest. The days when she'd almost forget only to have an inconsequential detail bring home to her that she'd never see him again. Except in her dreams. In her subconscious Neji could still turn and, with that half-smile-half-smirk, berate her for being late to a training session. In her mind she could still watch him flow through the kata stances, brow furrowed in concentration while still seeming at utter peace with the universe.

She had yet to visit his grave. Every week she found a new excuse to put off visiting the Memorial where his name was carved. Tenten knew that not everyone understood; that some in the village judged her refusal as callous and uncaring.

_Rather let them think that than know the truth. _

How could she begin to explain? It wasn't possible to find the words to articulate, far from being unfeeling, the reason she couldn't visit Neji was because she knew she would break completely if she did. Gai-sensei and Lee understood, as had Hiashi-sama when he'd requested Team Gai to say a few words at Neji's funeral so long ago and Tenten had demurred as politely as she was able, all the while fighting with all her might against the tears that would show her true weakness. They understood that, though they were all hurting, Tenten's pain ran deeper than the loss of a teammate and a trusted friend.

Neji had been her _best_ friend. It hadn't been intentional, Tenten was sure, but somewhere along the way, throughout the years, Neji had become the most important person in her life. A loss like that can never be recovered from; nothing would ever fill the void he'd left in her heart and her life.

Truthfully, most days Tenten didn't really feel anything – she refused to. The emotions were coated in so many layers of forced numbness that she tried to avoid digging too deeply inside herself, lest she disturbed things better left alone. She knew that it wasn't healthy. Understood, intellectually, that Neji wouldn't have wanted her to do this to herself. But first and foremost Tenten was a kunoichi: she'd learned to compartmentalize, learned to live with what she couldn't change; to soldier on regardless of what happened to her or how much it hurt.

If only the remaining people in her life would accept that; allow her to curl into her misery until she was completely consumed by it …

Tenten sighed as she forced herself up against the headboard. The comforter slipped off her shoulders to pool around her middle and she shivered involuntarily despite the warmth of the sunlight that filled the room.

Today would be bad. On the anniversary of Neji's death Gai-sensei and Lee were likely to be much more insistent in their efforts to try and force her to accept the loss and move on.

Even after a year, she had yet to find the words to explain to them that it was impossible to move on; impossible for her to be the girl she once was, when part of her had died with Neji on that battlefield.

* * *

She hated that she was getting so good at avoiding people she should be closest to. But their actions over the last year had left her with very little choice. Tenten breathed a sigh of relief as the last swathes of rosy-gold sky darkened to the deep blue of early twilight. Finally she could return home and forget that this day had ever dawned. Quick leaps propelled her across the rooftops of Konoha with shinobi speed and, within a matter of minutes, she landed lightly on the roof of her apartment building.

The darkness in the hallway enveloped her like a warm coat and Tenten relaxed for what seemed like the first time since she'd opened her eyes that morning. She glided silently through the shadows, swiftly unlocked her front door and slipped through without opening it fully. The click of the lock brought sudden tears burning behind her closed eyelids as she leaned back against the door, one hand still clenched around the doorknob for support.

"You didn't think you could give your old teacher the slip that easily, did you?"

Gai's voice boomed through the shadowy interior of her sparsely furnished apartment and Tenten jumped. Her heart beat too fast, staccato thuds against her ribs. Her sensei's darker shape loomed in the entryway that branched off to the small living area but Tenten remained frozen by the front door. She sensed more than saw Gai moving slowly towards her, as if she was a frightened deer that would bolt unless he proceeded with caution.

"Tenten, I worry about you. And I have tried to be patient because I can understand that you need to deal with your grief in your own way. But you are not. And I have reached the end of my patience with your selfishness. Have you ever thought about what you're doing to Lee? It's as if he lost not only one teammate but both of you. What are you doing to yourself, Tenten? How can you expect us to just watch while you slowly wither away?"

"You don't understand-" Anger flared, sudden and heated, because who did Gai think he was to barge uninvited into her home and lecture her?

"But I do understand, Tenten! I experienced the loss, too. I have to live with the knowledge that I outlived my student; couldn't protect him – couldn't save him – every day, too."

In all the years Tenten had never known Gai to speak more than a single sentence without employing a 'youthful' metaphor. Never before had he spoken to her in such a tone: sharp and pointed, like a freshly sharpened kunai. Never before had she heard such disappointment and pain in her normally oblivious sensei's tone.

For the first time in a year emotion was more than just fleeting. Rage took hold, violent and unending, her fingers itching to reach for the kunai in the pouch strapped to her thigh.

"How dare you?" she hissed, ignoring the way her voice wavered.

"Because I care about you, Tenten! Because I don't want to lose another of my precious students! Because Neji would have been the first to tell you what you're doing to yourself, and the people who love you, is the worst form of cowardice!"

She wasn't quite aware of turning, of fumbling with the lock and yanking the door open. The gathering storm clouds outside sent leaves scurrying across her path once she gained the sidewalk but Tenten merely sped up until she was running. Past the rapidly emptying streets, through the semi-darkness, she ran. Her heart raced and her breathing came in ragged gasps but she kept going until the buildings began to thin out.

If she had stayed they would have said things they would come to regret.

But Gai's words had somehow opened the locked box containing all her emotions and Tenten was suddenly powerless against the flood of anger, pain, fear and loneliness that crashed down on her all at once.

She paused at the base of Hokage Mountain, head turning wildly from side to side, as she sought a way to dam the tide but finally, all she could do was keep running up the winding path against the side of the mountain. She raced up the steep slope paying no attention to where her feet fell. Part of her mind whispered longingly that one misstep would mean the end of all the suffering but even that thought was swept away by the crushing pain that suddenly overwhelmed her. Physically she'd never felt worse. Her throat constricted as she fought against the tears and swallowed against the painful lump. Deep inside crippling misery pressed down on her heart. The ragged edges where something irreplaceable had been ripped away felt as raw and new as they had a year ago. Tenten braced her hands on her knees when she reached the top – barely stopping in time - and gasped for breath; fighting not to black out as she stared at the village sprawled below through burning eyes.

And she realized: finally, she could run no more.

Strength gave way to the force of feeling that had been building inside her for the last year, and Tenten sank to her knees and gave in to the inevitable. Almost masochistically she revelled in the despair. The truth she couldn't face before was suddenly blindingly clear: she was _so goddamned angry _at Neji.

_How could you do this to me? Leave me here alone? You didn't have to do that; didn't have to sacrifice yourself!_

But the desperate cry that welled from deep inside her was only a whisper in the wind and the guilt quickly rushed to take the place of anger because she couldn't belittle Neji's sacrifice that way.

At last her endurance broke and the tears began. Sobs ripped from her chest, ragged gasps and the raw sounds of pure misery competing with the howling winds. For a long time Tenten stayed exactly where she was: alone on top of a storm-swept cliff, crying as she hadn't done since she was a small child. She cried until it felt as if she would break into little pieces and still the tears flowed. Millennia, it seemed, later her body toppled sideways. Her last remaining strength leached by heartbreak, but Tenten simply curled into a ball; hoping to disappear into the earth so she wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

_Did you even think of me, Neji? At the end?_

The wind suddenly ceased. Pure silence descended around Tenten but she kept her eyes tightly closed, uncaring of what nature might be doing. Then she froze, though she still gasped for breath. A light, cold breeze – completely at odds with the stormy gusts from before – seemed to swirl around her like disembodied hands running gently over her.

The skies opened and rain fell, stinging against her skin, as the wild wind pushed the moisture every which way.

It was only then that she felt warm hands, real hands, lifting her and Tenten wrapped her arms around her sensei and allowed the blackness to overwhelm her.

* * *

"_Are you afraid?" Tenten voiced the question that had been nagging at the back of her mind all day; ever since they'd received their orders and been assigned regiments for the coming war._

_Neji frowned. Then his expression cleared and he reached over to pluck the shuriken she'd been playing with from her grasp._

"_I am," he said, though his calm tone and his matter-of-fact words were in complete contradiction to the admission. "Who wouldn't be? But we have no choice, Tenten. Sometimes, some _things _are worth waging war for. Though what worries me is that we won't be in the same regiment."_

_Tenten refused to allow the glow that had enveloped her at his words to really take hold and tried to think of an equally matter-of-fact response. She'd been down this road too many times to think that the concern meant anything; it was the same concern he probably felt for all their friends…_

_Hazel eyes lifted to stare unseeingly at the canopy of leaves above their heads and she nearly jumped out of her skin at the light touch of fingers to her chin. Slowly, carefully, she turned her head to look at her best friend. Something indefinable burned in his pearlescent gaze; emotions she'd never thought would be directed at her. Tenten's heart rate suddenly spiked, blood thundering in her ears as anticipation coiled deep inside her._

_He's going to kiss me, she thought in dazed wonderment. And firmly refused to acknowledge the voice of reason at the back of her mind that was busy listing all the reasons why it would be a very bad idea for him to do so._

"_Just … in case," Neji whispered against her mouth before his lips pressed softly to hers._

_Feather-light and over far too quickly, but the light touch made her entire body tingle and Tenten reacted without thought. She'd been waiting forever for this…_

_She shifted onto her knees, both hands rising to thread through his silky hair. She leaned in and pressed her mouth firmly back against his. Neji's mouth opened beneath hers almost immediately, as if he, too, had been starved of the contact, and his tongue slicked out to tangle sinuously with hers. Warm hands ghosted up and down her sides, before nimble fingers slipped beneath the cloth of her shirt to trace burning patterns on the bare skin of her back._

_Then he was moving, too. Not at all with his usual grace and fluidity, but in abrupt jerks, as if he was trying his hardest to keep himself in check. With a soft sigh Tenten melted against him, into the touch of his hands on her skin and the feel of his mouth slanting over hers with increasing passion._

_Panted breaths filled the space between them as they broke apart and Tenten would have slid bonelessly to the ground if it hadn't been for Neji's arms locked around her and his hard body pressed against hers._

_Another trembling breath and then he withdrew slowly, regretfully, despite the look of protest Tenten levelled at him. His fingers closed around her shoulders as he pushed her gently back into a sitting position before he lowered himself down next to her. Regardless of the disappointment Tenten couldn't help the exultant little voice screaming in her mind when one hand trailed down her arm in a slow caress and Neji tangled his fingers through hers._

"_When this is over, Ten. Then we'll have all the time in the world," he promised softly._

_And Tenten couldn't help but agree; some things were worth waiting for. _

_She'd wait for Neji forever._

* * *

Wetness stained the pillow beneath her cheek and Tenten wrinkled her nose. Still more asleep than awake she lifted a hand to her face only to realize a moment later – when her fuddled mind caught up – that the wetness came from the tears that still stained her cheeks. Slowly, painfully (because every bone in her body felt somehow broken) Tenten turned onto her back. The dim lighting of the room showed clearly that she was in the hospital. It was only then that memory came rushing back in, like high tide, to fill in the blanks.

Gai must have brought her here after her time spent in the rain on top of Hokage Mountain. Though she felt bruised and battered, inside and out, Tenten knew there wasn't much wrong with her. Nothing a hospital could cure anyway. Fresh tears burned her eyes but Tenten blinked them impatiently away. She'd cried enough. The memories would never go away, and now that Gai had unlocked everything she'd kept so carefully hidden from herself, she would have to learn to live with the pain they would bring. Tenten grimaced. Still, she wouldn't mind if she stopped having the dreams … if felt too real; remembering Neji that way. The resultant wave of pain every time she woke to reality wasn't something Tenten wanted to experience for the rest of her life.

She took a deep breath and glanced around; noticing for the first time that Lee was slumped in a chair by her bed. Gai must also be somewhere near, she knew. Biting back a groan, she levered herself upright, immediately cursing her lack of stealth when Lee's eyes shot open and he flew out of the chair to assist. One shake of her head was enough to dissuade him and somehow it saddened her. For the first time she understood what Gai had meant. Her behavior – the way she'd locked Lee out – had gone far enough that even her friend's irrepressible nature had been tempered in his reactions to her. In contrition she reached out a hand to him, gratified that the damage wasn't severe enough that he refused to take her peace offering, small though it was.

"How are you feeling?" Lee asked at last, sneaking tentative peeks at her from beneath hooded eyes; wariness in every line of his body.

The tears threatened again, and abruptly Tenten realized that she didn't want to bear this burden alone – not anymore. She hadn't been there when he'd needed her most and she couldn't do anything to alter that, but she could start to mend the yawning chasm between them with honesty.

"Like I can't breathe," she whispered, painfully. And she allowed the tears to spill past her lashes when she gathered the courage to look at her friend.

She had no idea how much time had passed when Gai finally joined them. She was only aware of her sensei's warmth joining Lee on her hospital bed as she cried.

It didn't help to let them in. It didn't miraculously cure the pain. But it was comforting. So she shared her grief with the two people that remained within her grasp; held them close and allowed them to share their grief with her.

Despite the way her heart felt as if it was breaking piece by painful piece she could now admit the truth she'd avoided even in the darkest, most hidden parts of her mind.

Neji was gone.

* * *

The gravestone was unassuming. Precise but elegant lines formed the granite with Neji's name carved into it but somehow it seemed to suit him. Tenten smiled tremulously as she gently extricated her hand from Lee's grasp. His concern wasn't misplaced – she wasn't sure she could survive this goodbye but she knew this was something she had to do.

Hesitantly she sank to her knees in the dewy grass and spent a few minutes carefully arranging the flowers she'd brought.

"I haven't come before because I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough and I don't really think I am now. So I'm sorry for that." A tear-filled smile pulled at her lips as she imagined Neji rolling his eyes at her diffidence.

"I miss you." She whispered the words as she traced the kanji of his name with trembling fingers.

"And I know that won't ever stop. I'll miss you every day of the rest of my life. Everywhere I go, I'll look for you. But that's okay – or not … okay, you know … just … I realize now that you'll be with me in my heart and that's what matters."

Her fingers swiped at the tear-tracks streaming down her cheeks and Tenten laughed through the pain.

"Strange how I would never have had the courage to say this kind of stuff to you … before. Maybe that would have changed if things had been different … if you and I worked out the way we were supposed to…" Pearly teeth bit into her lower lip before Tenten took a deep breath and continued almost thoughtfully, "I think it would have been good, you know?"

The painful lump – ever present these days – nearly choked her as she swallowed and Tenten knew that she couldn't take much more … not this first time.

"I never got a chance to say goodbye. Or so I thought. But I realize now that you were thinking of me and you did say goodbye … that cold wind … it wasn't my imagination."

Tears ran unchecked now but Tenten no longer cared.

"I'll try to make you proud of me from now on, I promise. As proud as I am of you – of what you did" she vowed as she stood.

She reached out one hand, resting it on top of the sun-warmed stone and closed her eyes.

"I love you, Neji. I always will."

* * *

Acceptance was hard-won. Tenten understood now, better than ever that a part of her would never really accept that Neji was gone. She would always be searching for him at their training grounds; she would always expect to see him if she passed the Hyuuga compound. That reason alone would have been enough to justify her decision to leave Konoha but it wasn't the real driving force.

For so long she'd been a part of Tenten-and-Neji, that she didn't even know who she was supposed to be without him. She had no idea who she was or what she should be doing. But she'd made him a promise: to become the kind of person he would have been proud of and she instinctively knew that she wouldn't find that person if she stayed in Konoha.

So, despite many protests, she'd packed her things and stored them away; all the while assuring Gai-sensei and Lee that she was _not _renouncing her status as a Konoha-nin. That was perhaps the only aspect of herself that she was completely sure of anymore: she belonged to Konoha and that would never change. This was just a chance to stretch her wings, to find herself and see what she was capable of.

"I'll be home before you know it," she whispered as Lee's arms tightened around her. Behind him her friends were arrayed … what remained of the Konoha Eleven, but it brought a warm glow to her heart to see them all there to bid her goodbye. Lee finally stepped back, blinking against the tears that filled his dark eyes, and she smiled at his attempts to hide them.

"Be careful, Tenten. Let your youth guide you and I know you will soon find your path back to us," Gai smiled, somewhat sadly, and Tenten threw her arms around him.

"Thank you, sensei. For everything."

No more tears. No more goodbyes. Tenten whirled on her heel, blinking furiously, and quickly strode out the big gates marking the entrance to her village. It wasn't really goodbye, anyway. Konoha was her home and she knew without a doubt that she would return some day. This was where Neji was after all. Not to mention the people that stood waving behind her. Despite Lee and Gai's protests, despite the way she'd had to fight to get the Hokage to allow this, Tenten instinctively knew she was doing the right thing.

As usual no one understood why she would need to get away to gain closure but …

Somehow Tenten rather thought Neji would have understood perfectly.

She hoisted her backpack higher up on her shoulders and allowed the slight smile to bloom into a full grin as she leapt into the tree-tops. Finally, she was awake again. After everything, she understood that the pain of losing Neji would never abate – but that proved that she was still alive and that his sacrifice hadn't been in vain.

Overhead a lone eagle soared across the sky, his trajectory perfectly matching Tenten's path.

* * *

_**In Memory of Hyuuga Neji.**_

_**You will live forever in our hearts and imaginations.**_

* * *

_**a/n: I cried the entire time I wrote this. In many ways this oneshot was my way of working through the shock of Neji's sudden death; my way of paying last respects to the character that I loved most within the Naruto universe. I hope it wasn't too bad – I think this is how Tenten would move through the five stages of grief. Please review? I'd appreciate it!**_


End file.
